The Family Communication Tree

When I was a child, I thought I controlled the weather and wanted to be a witch. I didn’t quite know what I really wanted to do or what witchcraft meant. As a kid, I was curious, and playful and enjoyed life the only way a mischievous girl can do.  There were a lot of things I didn’t understand and puzzled me, and I was fine with not knowing everything.  It’s become clearer as I grow older to grasp the learning of life as curious as a child. 

The issues of my family life were something either like an iceberg or the flaming atomic bomber.  The family rules for dealing with conflicts were either handled very stoically, non-emotionally and in a distracting manner where we just swept our problems under the rug.  The years of pretending to lead to blaming each other.

 No matter what problems arise in your family or when dealing with problems between two people, there are ways we communicate our needs that are unhealthy and not useful. 

When your self-worth is low,  your communication tends to be vague, not honest, and indirect. The Rules are rigid, non-negotiable, and maybe inhuman. The way you approach life or link to humanity tends to be more about fear, placating, or blaming someone or something. The four universal patterns people use to get around rejections, distrust, personal lows, or frustration are...

1. Placating or always agreeing to whatever you want is okay with me. I am just here to make you happy. People please so that someone doesn’t get mad at you. 

2. Blame other people. Become the blamer, fault finder, a boss who acts superior with the attitude of I’m your boss around here.  

3. Compute to deal with the problem by being logical and using intellectualism. The need is to be very correct, very reasonable, and show no emotional feelings.  

4. The Distracter ignores the threat and acts like “I’m off somewhere else”. The distracter does and says what is irreverent and jumps off-topic. 

When your self-esteem is high, you are able to communicate your needs in a direct, clear, specific, and honest way. Your rules are more flexible, human, appropriate, and subject to change.  Your approach to life is more open and more hopeful where it is based on your freedom of choice. This is referred to as leveling. These concepts are in the Virginia Satir book entitled The New People Making. 

Leveling is a way to respond back to others in situations where your words match the facial expressions. It’s about being easy, free, and honest in your expressions toward people. All messages toward others are going in the same direction. It’s clear and concise. 

When you are leveling, you can apologize when you did something wrong, you didn’t intend to do. Saying sorry for the act of the deeds. It’s an evaluating act where you are not blaming the person. If you say “I love you”, your voice is warm and loving. Your face shines with love. If you say “I am mad at you, '' your voice is harsh and your face tight. Your message is direct, concise, and clear.  

Leveling is when…..

Whatever you look and sound, whatever you say and do, whatever you think and feel at the given moment in time is you. This is authentically you and represents where you are at the moment at that time. You can always review later and keep what is useful and throw out the unuseful things. You can see, hear, think, say, and do what makes sense around the world around you. You have the tools and resources to be close to people and things outside of you. You can express all your feelings and your face matches exactly what you feel. You level with you. You are you. And you are okay. 

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Reference: The New People Making, by Virginia Satir

Scott McFall Hypnosis Method of training.  Find more about my mentor here:

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